The more I listen to this song. That just so happenes to be one of your favorite bands...makes me think about you more...makes me think how stupid this is. I mean what am I really doing here? That's the question. I have to get some guts here, I mean really I was serious about talking to you today...but I guess I didn't realize I missed that oppourtiny on the track today....I should have stoped before I ran "full" speed ahead of you to catch up with the others. I realized I had, had that oppurtinity then...and mentally beat myself up for making the stupid mistake of passing it up or not noticing it. Then you just HAD to leave again for early dismisal didn't you? Jebuz this isn't easy. a;lksdfj I'm gonna do it I just need someone to push me...someone to motivative me...someone to get me started. I can't do it a lone. Look I can type your name that's a start right. Leilani. See, one step forward.

I'm pushing myself...to limits I know I shouldn't be crossing. Because I'm literally killing myself here. But as long as I'm breathing then I know what I have to do. And before I bit the dust...I intend to tell you face to face...or at least in person that I in fact do not hate you. And maybe my reason for not aknowlegding your existance. I prefer not to...but if it comes up in conversation...I guess I've really no choice but to tell you. You know I've analyzed you in the mornings when I pass by you to go to civics...you don't keep your head up and smile anymore...you look down and have this sort of...idk just something about the way your eyes look just...seemes painful. Like your hurting. Is it because of me? Because I'm ignoring you or something else? But you don't smile. You don't look my way which is understand able. I can only catch your eyes for a mer nano seconed. I'm not used to you being like this...and not talking to you...but I'm "fine" without it. I mean it's akward..cuz your alone during gym most of the time...and I feel like I should just talk to you...but I'm...idk what i mean i just don't. I don't know why...sometimes I just expect Crystal to push me into you or something so that I start talking to you.

But in other new...I'm halusinating again. Yey! I keep seeing things. Like in math today...I thought i say a guy standing beside the empty seat next to me. And then I look that way and nothing was there. And in Ranger Steve I was going threw the forest, going threw trees and such to get to the other side. And while i was walking i thought I saw someone like a boy standing somewhere to my right and then I looked and no one was there. In fact everyone was on the otherside of the pond. And most of the time i wake up in a sweat...whimpering, or feeling sick to my stomach and thing I start to gag for a minute or two...it's horrible.