So for awhile I thought that I was getting better, right. But apparently I was wrong. Completely wrong. I haven't been telling my brother a lot lately, same with Margie (therapist), it's become sort of a trust issue. Not with my brother, it's just like I can't because I'm afraid if he knows too much that he'll say something or it'll just spill out or he could use it against me. Paranoia, getting worse, hallucination not better or worse. I've been kind of closing myself off. It's a bit concerning. Margie said that because hallucination runs in my family that it's nothing to worry about. And so she not really helping me. I haven't told her or anyone a lot of things. I think the one that knows the most about the recent things that have been going on or prolly Rin, somewhat Rico, and kinda Alston. I just thought I'd let you guise know my state so far..I'm pulling threw just smiling even if I don't mean it. I can laugh for realzies though. Which is good. I do like being around my friends, just cuz I can't really smile doesn't mean that I don't enjoy them being there. So yeah.
kthxbi
P.S. The moods won't load for me. So my mood isn't mortified anymore, it's more like uneasy. Prolly tense.
- Mood:
Mortified - Listening to: Simple Minds Vs. Coldplay- Don't Forget About Me
- Reading: everything I type
- Watching: myself go insane on the inside
- Playing: the game of why can't i just be a bit less insane
- Eating: nothing~
- Drinking: spit
GAH! D:<
Devious Comments
oh snap. Margie? I need to go see this woman. She obviously doesn't know how to do her job. If you're smiling but not really meaning it... then what the heck are you doing!? Sometimes I catch you with this face o_o It bothers me cause You're all 8D then o_o It's not cool. D< It gives off teh vibe that you're being fake, and you don't want to seem fake. So either, don't smile to humor us, we know you're not happy. Smile when you mean it or just don't smile at all. Your choice
--
How can I be the good friend, when YOU don't try to be a good friend. Don't ask me for something that you can't offer back.
-Life.
Yeah obviously not. I'm just being nice and being a good little girl and playing along with the how "I can't do anything to help you." Trying...I'm trying to be happy. I'm trying to stay here, trying not to go completely insane, trying not to slip up. A certain someone told me smiling makes everything better..but apperantly that's not the case for me. How would you discribe my face when it's like that? Like the expression and what not. I'm not trying to be fake, I'm just trying not to make you guys worry to much. I mean sure you guyse worry cuz I'm being "fake" but I'm still trying to smile, I'm straining myself. But I'm trying. Smiling just makes me feel a tiny bit better just a bit.
--
I can't love you.
But I can't hate you.
I can't do either because,
I simply feel nothing for you.
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"My name's Jake like a deck of cards you can call me Jake or, you can just go Jack-off." ~Gen-X-Cops, Jake
Oh and these journals aren't helping with the "trying not to worry you guys" part. You might want to get a tumblr if you want to blog about stuff like this without "worrying" us. go to tumblr.com and create an account?
--
How can I be the good friend, when YOU don't try to be a good friend. Don't ask me for something that you can't offer back.
-Life.
Well there's really no way to keep rin and rico informed without sending a note...which would be a lot longer. And I don't feel like writing a note and i'm just to lazy. But i know it's not helping with that. But jessicas been trying to help me out of whatever the heck this is. And thanks the the web site...I'll look into it soon. Thanks. I'll try a bit harder to smile for realzies.
--
I can't love you.
But I can't hate you.
I can't do either because,
I simply feel nothing for you.
--------------------------------------
"My name's Jake like a deck of cards you can call me Jake or, you can just go Jack-off." ~Gen-X-Cops, Jake
--
How can I be the good friend, when YOU don't try to be a good friend. Don't ask me for something that you can't offer back.
-Life.
Harsh.
I'm assuming Rin and Rico are either IRL friends that we don't know about or online friends.
Anyways, the less you tell Margie then the less she can help, so you can't say that she's not doing her job. She can help you. She sort of specialized in helping people, you know? That's what therapists do.
Tell Alston whatever you can, since he's the one you seem to trust the most. He's too nice to use anything against you, or let something REALLY important slip. You should be able to trust at least one person completely.
Closing yourself off just leads to bottling up of emotion.
And that leads to panic attacks.
And those are a big no-no.
Just saying.
--
... touche.
Cheesecake: [link]
First off...what's "IRL"? And second off their real people on dA. ~Bloody-White-Rose786 (Rin) and ~Scappleaddict1 (Rico).
Too parinoaid. Don't trust her. She's not even helping me, she thinks i'm getting better. Because everytime I'm there I'm smiling...which I have no idea why. But it's like I have too, I don't force myself to. But anyway she says it's nothing big cause it runs in my family. So she's not going to do anything. She's done nothing but tell me something I already know, something I've tried 15 times or just nothing and say it's "I don't think it's anything important but we'll watch it. I mean if it didn't run in your family i'd be concerned but since it does..." or "Oh...well that isn't real, you'll get over it. Your at the age where it's going away." (but really my fear of this -not going to tell you what i'm talking about- has gotten worse. And I've tried to help myself by doing a lot of things...but nothing helps, my fear lives on.
I trust him...but not totally. I don't know who to trust, who to talk to, all I KNOW is that I just want someone to always be there a really good friend that sees threw everything I do. Someone who even when I smile says "Are you okay?" Or something like that. I just want someone to fix me but not fix me at the same time. I want a friend I can always turn too. And someone I can completely and utterly trust no matter what. But I've come across anyone with those qualities..well all of them anyway. I just want someone to always be there, someone I can talk to, someone I can trust. Like I said I'm parinoaid. He just might...never know. I don't know who to trust.
Which is what I do now. It's happened before and then I finally blew up and just broke down. I didn't have panic attacks..not that I remember anyway.
Meh...no one can really help me. Because it gos far more deeper then just what I'm telling you. I told parinoaid....means I don't trust anyone very much not my brother, not any of my friends, not my sister. I might just trust one person a bit more that isn't alston. But i'm not sure.
--
I can't love you.
But I can't hate you.
I can't do either because,
I simply feel nothing for you.
--------------------------------------
"My name's Jake like a deck of cards you can call me Jake or, you can just go Jack-off." ~Gen-X-Cops, Jake
--
I can't love you.
But I can't hate you.
I can't do either because,
I simply feel nothing for you.
--------------------------------------
"My name's Jake like a deck of cards you can call me Jake or, you can just go Jack-off." ~Gen-X-Cops, Jake
--
How can I be the good friend, when YOU don't try to be a good friend. Don't ask me for something that you can't offer back.
-Life.
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